When in Doubt, Nap. The Only Management Guide You Will Ever Need

During my career I’ve had the opportunity to work under the direction of some extraordinary academics, technologists and business leaders. All great leaders are unique. Nevertheless, I’ve been able to distill a few seminal principles, the consistent application of which can ensure an exceptional and memorable professional life. After much reflection, I’ve decided to share them. 

1. Demonstrate and Practice Critical Awareness. At least once each day treat someone you know like a complete stranger, possibly dangerous.

2. Inspire Colleagues and Subordinates. At various times, especially when working at night, suddenly stop whatever you’re doing and race around the office taking surprising and unsuspecting turns. Bank off walls whenever possible. If in a cubicle environment, leap over cubicle walls and onto desks. Just as suddenly, stop and resume whatever you were doing before. This inspires collegial imagination and has important cardio-vascular benefits as well.

3. Work and Network Effectively with Other Management. If you encounter someone at your supervisory level or lower, stand tall, make steady and aggressive eye contact. Growl. If you encounter someone above your supervisory level, immediately flee to a remote closet or office previously identified for that purpose and hide. Consistent practice of this tenet is essential in highly political environments.

4. Consistently Set an Example. Practice aggressive and deep napping. Sleep in your office. Sleep during meetings, preferably on the conference table if one is available. Sleep in high traffic office areas; there is no better demonstration of self-confidence.

5. Practice Aggressive Asexual Harassment. Inevitably someone in your team will not warm to you or your management techniques. During meetings, make a point of putting your head on their lap and napping if possible. (See 4 above.) Members of staff so selected will be so honored that they won’t dare move. ( If by some chance they do, see 3 above.)

6. Generalize Whenever Possible, Particularly Mathematical or Scientific Results. “‘All right,’ said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone. ‘Well! I’ve often seen a cat without a grin,’ thought Alice; ‘but a grin without a cat! It’s the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!’”